*Written late. Without edits. With a glass of wine. Forgive the run-ons.
It’s funny, the thought of not yet having made it – whatever
that means. Or even this feeling of never being able to do so.
I walked into my apartment tonight, delighted to have been a
part of a reading for a friend’s play. It was a lovely way to spend the evening
and gave me some inspiration I had been searching for lately.
There is still so much left to do, but I look around and
think to myself, “Wow. I’m actually accomplishing things I had said I would
when I first made the decision to move out here.” In the moments when I feel
small or as though I am a disappointment to those who had the highest hopes for
me, I remember that I’m still going and that is saying something. It may not be
in the capacity I expected it to be in, but nevertheless, I’m living the life I
set out to live. And I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
In high school, I remember watching
Legally Blonde: The Musical and dreaming of being in that show one day.
Originally, I wanted to play Elle. As I got older and learned my strengths
through multiple experiences, I found that I wanted to fill the role of
Paulette. I did just that in June of last year with an amazing cast and crew.
The timing was perfect – I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
I wanted to put music out that
would reach people and connect on new levels. I found fans in new cities. I
found writing partners and friends through conferences. I met people who have
been in the industry for years who gave me solid advice on the next chapters of
my story. I thought I would do that solely with the EP I released, but found
that it went even further. I wrote personalized songs for a company called
“Songs of Love” for a time that catered to children with illnesses. I received
feedback that made me tear up and smile at the same time.
I’ve headlined a county fair. It
was mid-summer hot, humid, and nerve-wrecking. Honestly, not my strongest
performance vocally. But it was Snapchatted by some local teens as they swayed
to my tunes…so…there’s that! I was a paid actor in the regional premiere of
“Mamma Mia” and got to work with kind, talented, and overall admirable people.
I’ve had incredible new experiences and deep hurts and I
have loved hard and laughed even harder. And at the other end of the spectrum, I
have met a man who wants to spend his life with me and I with him.
I don’t list all of
these things for bragging’s sake. I say this because I hope to encourage anyone
who may feel the same. For the better part of 3 years living in Nashville, I
thought I was stuck. I thought I was falling behind, even. I thought I was
failing. But maybe not.
It’s a little different than I imagined it to be…but maybe
that’s a good thing. Keep going. We have one precious life. Live it up.
