Expressions

It turns out that I'm not so great at keeping up with blogs, but a good amount of stuff has been happening around here. So, I'll just say that staying busy has kept me away from my electronic journaling. I've been learning some lessons this week and have been forced to, again, reevaluate the way I think. I audited an acting class on Thursday and really liked what it had to offer. While his method of teaching was very similar to the one I had grown up learning and I related to it, it was what he mentioned in his lecture that truly spoke to where I am at the moment. He mentioned getting frustrated by actors holding back, not making choices, and beating themselves up over imperfect performances. I knew the other end of that feeling all too well. He made everyone - including the auditors - stand up and walk around the room with our chests out and heads high. We were told to expand our energy rather than contract it. "But if we walked around like this all the time, we'd look weird! People would stare and judge us and stuff..." Wrong. True, they may judge for a hot second, but then they would forget about it and go about their daily lives. Because really, aren't we all just going about our days and worrying about ourselves? Most of the thoughts in our mind relate to us or how someone is affecting us, what we feel, etc. etc. I realized that I will spend more time worrying about what someone else thinks of a choice I made instead of learning from that lesson and moving on. I dwell on EVERYTHING and it has done NOTHING for me. (Especially this week!) So I took these revelations home with me and applied them to an audition I had on Friday morning. I talked to those waiting to audition. I tried to get the bitterness of competition out of the air by simply conversing. We're all in this business - we know how it is. Why should we look at everyone as if they are out to get you? There are a lot of talented people out there. If they fit the role, then great! An incredible friend of mine once put it this way: "We are all expressions of God." No two people are alike. We do our best to book the role or get the promotion, but we should be happy for those who do get the part because they are where they are supposed to be. There must be something else for you. Something better-suited to what you need. All you can do is present yourself in the best way possible. I'll tell you - I haven't felt so good about an audition in a while. I walked in confidently, knowing that I have trained, worked hard, and that I possess the talent necessary to belong in that audition room. I got a callback. And that's when I allowed myself to let fear creep in. I was concerned that because Friday was so great, Saturday might not be. I was so focused on the fact that my performance might not be as good this time that I sabotaged my own audition. I made semi-strong choices reading the sides, and then hesitated (mid-audition) because I was unsure if they were what the casting director was looking for. I was looking for their validation instead of trusting myself enough to get through the audition without holding back. I walked out of there feeling less than thrilled with my performance. It was only after talking to that same incredible friend that I realized that a lesson was to be learned from this experience. Perhaps this wasn't the show I was meant to be in, but I know now that I will never hesitate again in an audition room - no matter what. I will stick with my choices. Besides, I had to remember that I was already making progress compared to the last few auditions I'd had. Here I was, a nonunion actress just out of school, getting called back for a union show in L.A. I should feel good! Yet, somehow, I can't seem to allow myself to feel decent about this accomplishment because I'm not booking. I'm always looking for the next step - the next level and I'm not enjoying the moments that are making up my life! Moments like: Friday night, I went to karaoke with friends and got people at the bar to clap along as I sang. Shouldn't making them smile through a performance be just as satisfying as a really good audition? After all, we're all people. Even in that fun setting, I still questioned my performance after I sang. Was I pitchy? What if the people around me thought I couldn't sing? It didn't matter. Those "audience members" went back to enjoying their friends' company and having a good Friday night. I would bet that none of them went home and thought, "Tonight was a good night...except, that girl who sang was a little off key in that one part of the song." So I'm learning from this and taking it with me to my next audition, job interview, or karaoke bar. I'm trusting in what I've been taught and what God has provided. I'm putting in the effort to do more, but I'm also learning to be in the moment. Be hopeful for tomorrow, but don't forget about today. (Though, I think I'm allowed to be excited for tomorrow. It is my birthday, after all!) I'm a little more all over the place in this entry, but I'm trying not to edit myself as much. Thanks for reading :) Enjoy your day!